it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
