Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
