K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
