I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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