i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize