gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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