I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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