I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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