dude i'm inner monologue high
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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