So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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