I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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