this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize