in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
