I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
