Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
