The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
