its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
