Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
