This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Randomize
