Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
