No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
