i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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