remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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