sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize