I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
