i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
