The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
