im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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