I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
