You just made me feel so damn special
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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