Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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