Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
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