I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
