I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
