my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
