i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
