I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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