thus making me awesome and them whores
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
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