Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
No subtext here. People are naked.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
