I wish I could teleport
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
