i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
