it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
