Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
