You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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