Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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