Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
