I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
