My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
