I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i love accidental penises.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
