my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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