I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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