1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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