I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
this is an emotional support booty call
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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