does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
