guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
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