god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
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