Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
