My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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