This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
