I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
