what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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