Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize