Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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