I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
