so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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