they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
